What Lives Within
by GirHugs
Summary: Collection of drabbles and character studies focusing on Bruce and the Hulk. Each chapter in itself is a complete piece, but overall collection is not complete (because I write new pieces as inspiration hits)
1. Conditional

Disclaimer: Avengers owned by Marvel.

Warnings: Reference to Suicide.

* * *

Every decision Bruce makes is conditional upon the Hulk's agreement.

If Bruce dies, then the Hulk perishes too. So in order for Bruce to die, the Hulk has to _let_ him.

Bruce had attempted suicide before because he felt worthless and thought he _deserved_ death. (Un)fortunately for Bruce, the Hulk had disagreed; he'd seen it as a moment of _weakness_.

Self-pity hadn't been a strong enough motivator. But _guilt_…

It's something else entirely. Killing his best friend - and the word _accident_ does not make it _okay_ - is more than enough to change Hulk's opinion on 'deserved death.'

Bruce can feel the Hulk raging within; he's _roaring_ at Bruce to pull the trigger, to _end_ _them_.


	2. Protector

The Hulk is a protector. When _threat _and _danger _lance across Bruce's mind, the Hulk stirs, ready to take over and shield the fragile being he is housed within.

The Hulk has learned that emotional wounds hurt just as bad, if not _worse_, than the physical ones, but the Hulk isn't as equipped to handle those types of wounds.

So when he sees the Tin Man falling from the sky, the Hulk catches him. Because he thinks maybe, _hopefully_, the Tin Man will be able to protect those parts of Bruce that the Hulk can't.


	3. Have A Team, Want A Family

Before…the Hulk had felt no desire to connect with people. His whole perception of humans came from experiences seen through the filter that was Bruce Banner. When the Hulk came into existence, Bruce's life revolved around fear – both of himself and those hunting him – so the Hulk had never seen people as anything but something to hurt or be hurt by.

But then…then the Avengers came together. And they taught Bruce to trust again. And they became friends…and then something deeper, something the Hulk knew Bruce had never thought he deserved. They became a family.

And seeing that trust and that kindness and that comfort they gave each other made the Hulk _want_. He wanted that. Not just for Bruce, but for himself.

It took a while for him to come to that realization. When the Avengers first formed, the Hulk had never felt the need to contribute to the team other than offering his fists for smashing. Banner was the one that cared for the injured.

It was shocking, that first time he felt the _need_. It happened just after another fight with those annoying Doombots. He had just finished smashing the last robot when he saw the Widow limping towards the team's check-in point.

The Hulk had seen blood dripping down the side of her face. And that need – to pick her up and shield her and make sure she was okay, to offer comfort – was so sudden and so powerful that he started moving towards her without thinking. It wasn't until he saw the flash of fear in her eyes and the twitch of her hand towards the gun on her hip that he remembered his place.

The Avengers trusted him enough to fight with them… but they didn't trust him for _more_ than that.

The _hurt_ that the Hulk felt at that realization was startling. He'd been so shocked that he'd retreated and let Banner take control. If they would not – could not – accept comfort and care from him, then he would at least make sure they could receive it from Bruce.

The Hulk continued to fight and continued to feel, but he never let the need rule his actions again. Each time he saw one of his teammates injured, he would clench his hand to stop himself from reaching out and then force himself to calm and let Bruce resume control. And that pattern held…until five months after the Avengers had formed.

Hawkeye had been providing coverage from atop a building when the explosion went off. Luckily the Hulk had been close by and managed to catch Hawkeye as he soared through the sky. The Hulk caught him as gently as possible and then had taken him out of the danger zone.

When the Hulk looked down at the little Hawk in his arms, he frowned when he saw the archer unconscious. Though he was worried, he took the opportunity to scan Hawkeye's body for other injuries. The Hulk growled when he saw the awkward angle of Hawkeye's right leg. Hawkeye needed Bruce's care for that, but it wasn't safe for Hulk to give Bruce control yet.

"Mmmm…" Hawkeye began to rouse. He blinked his eyes slowly open and the Hulk stared down at him as he regained consciousness. "Oh, hey there, Big Guy. What happened?"

"Bomb," the Hulk grunted. "Hurt," he pointed to Hawk's broken leg.

"Huh…" Hawkeye frowned down at his leg and then looked back up at the Hulk. Another explosion went off somewhere and they could both hear the sound of the continuing battle. "Wanna be my legs?"

The Hulk titled his head to the side, concerned Hawkeye might have injured his head as well. Hawkeye held up one finger, telling the Hulk to wait a minute, and then pulled an arrow out from the quiver on his back. He fastened the arrow to his leg, helping to stabilize it.

"Good thing I have a high pain threshold," Hawkeye grinned up at him. "Alright, mind giving me a lift?"

The Hulk shook his head, still confused about what Hawkeye expected of him. When the archer began trying to climb upwards, Hulk got the picture. He helped Hawkeye settled atop his shoulders.

"This is awesome," Hawkeye whispered and the Hulk grinned. "Okay, ready to get back into the fight?" With a grunt of approval, the Hulk took them back into the mix of things.

An hour later, the battle was finished and the team was gathering. Tin Man came flying in and raised his faceplate.

"No fair! How come you've never offered me a piggy-back, Big Green?" Tin Man asked with a pout.

"Because I'm his favorite _obviously_," Hawkeye teased.

"What?" Tony gasped. "No, you're not! Hulky-boo," Tony looked at him with pleading eyes, "Tell him _I'm_ your favorite."

Hulk ignored Tony's demand and heard him let out an indignant huff as everyone else laughed. Hulk reached up, ready to pull Hawkeye off his shoulders and let Banner resume control, knowing _his_ part was done. "Want down?"

"Nah." The Hulk felt arms rest atop his head as Clint curled into a more comfortable position. "Not right now," Clint mumbled and the Hulk didn't even mind - in fact, he rather liked it – when Clint's fingers tangled idly into his hair.


	4. Cycle

His body burns. His nerves are on fire, screaming and alive. From the building blocks of his body, something angrier, something bigger, something stronger is born.

His body burns. His cells shrink and shrivel and die. From the remnants of his body, something smarter, something smaller, something much more fragile is left behind.

Their lives are intertwined, a constant cycle of life and death, of creation and destruction.


	5. Endure

When Bruce comes back from a transformation, one constant is that he is always starving. It's not surprising really. Growing cells and muscle mass at such a high rate requires a lot of energy. Calories need to be replaced and sustenance needs to be put back into the body. So yes, Bruce is starving. But the starvation doesn't originate in Bruce. It is always the Hulk that is tortured by that biting sensation first.

When Bruce is around, it is usually safe. That's the reason why it is left to him to eat and replenish their body's demands.

When the Hulk is around, it is usually because there is danger and the Hulk doesn't have _time_ to indulge in something as trivial as food.

He smashes, as is expected, and fights, to protect his team, and _endures_, because the gnawing sense of starvation is one hurt the Hulk can't escape or fight.


	6. Prisoner (For Life)

Bruce's childhood was…unpleasant to say the least. His father was smart, manipulative, and _mean_. He hated Bruce, for no discernable or sane reason. His father would yell and belittle and hit and kick and there was _nothing_ Bruce could do about it. There was no escape; Bruce was trapped.

And once he finally gained freedom from his father, Bruce promised himself that he would never relinquish his freedom like that to someone ever again. That's the reason he ran so _desperately_ from General Ross. Being a prisoner…it was one of Bruce's greatest fears.

Ironic then, that the Hulk was actually just a big, powerful _cage_.

The first time Bruce transformed into the Hulk, Bruce had realized with startling and sickening clarity that while he was still cognizant, he was very much just a prisoner in his own – transformed – body. Bruce could yell and rage and cry and beg and none of it would matter. Until the right circumstances – decreased adrenaline levels, slowed heart rate, suppression of amygdala activity – came about, Bruce was utterly _trapped_.


End file.
